if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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