You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It's rum buckets o'clock
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
