I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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