Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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