Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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