someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
