My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
