Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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