No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
