To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
