you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Randomize
