dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
