I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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