She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
