a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
This is classic penis vs brain.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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