Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
