I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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