youre lurking in front of me
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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