I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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