so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
