K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She said her name was "party"
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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