The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
and eventually we just all took our pants off
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
