i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize