The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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