Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
