I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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