All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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