It's Friday. Sex?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
