My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
