forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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