remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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