So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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