she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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