At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I cut my penus on the lid.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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