I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
