I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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