My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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