At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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