Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
