my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
