im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
