he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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