i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Sorry my hands just texted you
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
