Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
