Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
