she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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