Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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