he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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