I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
