it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
