I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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