you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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