K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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