Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I think I sprained my soul last night
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
