I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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