i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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