Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
