Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
ugly people sure do ruin things
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
