my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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