What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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