Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize