i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
